Deborah Hardee is an award-winning artist and photographer, as well as a relationship coach and founder of The Enchanted Mystery School, a course that teaches women how to create the relationship of their dreams. She lives in Boise with her husband, Michael Ryan. Deborah will be the guest teacher for Romancing The Palate, an upcoming course at The Boise Co-op.
It may seem obvious, but the first move in a relationship is usually a signal of interest from one potential dating partner to another. Whether it’s a smile at a party or a “wink” on match.com, flirting is what gets the relationship ball rolling. And in male-female relationships, it’s most often the woman who initiates the interaction with some form of nonverbal cue. (Interestingly, research in singles bars shows that even though women typically signal their interest first, it’s the men who think they made the first move!)
Flirting is a fundamental skill for any woman who wants to attract a man. In my classes and coaching practice, I encourage women to practice looking people in the eye and smiling. I call this "being sunshine" in the world. It's so easy to be serious, to concentrate on our to-do lists, and there often is a great deal to do. But doing and accomplishing are expressions of masculine energy, not feminine energy. One way for females to "do" and not be in masculine energy is to have the intent on being sunshine, on smiling.
I’ve asked many men about this, and their answers are always the same. When they’re out in the world, doing errands and encountering many strangers, they feel unimportant if no one looks at them or makes eye contact, like they don’t matter. But if someone looks them in the eye and smiles, it immediately boosts their spirits. They feel seen and appreciated.
The kindness, compassion and love that we can spread just by looking at people and smiling should not be underestimated. Besides that, it's fun for us and begins to enliven our sense of belonging and connection. It can even foster the beginning of romantic relationships. And best of all, it’s absolutely free!
If you want to take it further, here's how it can get spicy. If a woman (or the person who wants to be in the feminine position in a relationship) makes eye contact for about three seconds, it will feel quite natural for both people. But if she smiles and holds eye contact for another two seconds or so, it turns into a flirtation that can lead to romance. What’s important is that she look away after five seconds have passed. This signals to the man that she’s interested in him, an invitation for him to pursue her. For the man (or the person who wants to be in the masculine position) this flirtatious smile is his cue to find the courage to walk over to her, perhaps flirt back and, if he’s interested, ask her on a date.
It may be hard to believe, but what happens immediately after those five seconds can set the stage for everything that follows. As Patricia Allen, author of Getting To ‘I Do’, puts it: "It is in the very first moment of contact between two people that the male and the female roles are established. Since male energy is assertive and female energy passive, he who speaks first is male." In other words, if you want to attract a man and let him take the masculine position (so you can take the feminine position, of course) you simply need to hold his eyes for five seconds, smile, then look away and (here’s the hard part!) wait for him to act or speak next. He who speaks first is male. Even on a dating website like Match.com, once the woman “winks” at a man to let him know she’s interested, she has to wait for him to respond before sending any other communication or she’ll take the masculine role for herself.
So why is this important? In every relationship there are two positions, masculine and feminine. Without these two polarities, there would be no attraction. If you have two magnets and try to push the two North ends together, they’ll repel each other. But when the North and South ends are anywhere in the vicinity of each other, they’ll join immediately. It’s the same with masculine and feminine. Most men want to be in the masculine role. If a woman claims the masculine role first, the man may lose interest or be unsure about his role.
If you’re a man reading this article, take note. When a woman flirts, if a) you’re not already committed and b) you're interested in her, it’s up to you to summon up the courage to walk over and introduce yourself. If you wait for her to speak or make a move toward you, you’re letting her take the masculine role. Unless you really want to be in the feminine role (receiving, feeling, etc.), this has the possibility of creating confusion and conflict later on.
It takes time and practice to fully understand the differences between masculine and feminine energies, but learning how and when to express them will help you create more fun and fulfillment in your relationships with the opposite sex.
